|
[20 Mar 2005|02:37am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 pissed off |
] |
Fuck. Just...Fuck.
This, none of this was supposed to happen again. And not to him. Never to Elboron...
...Numenor be Damned, I will NOT see this happen again.
|
|
|
[04 Jul 2004|03:04pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 blah |
] |
So...Today...July Fourth... Even though he is here now with all of us, this day has always been hard to bear. It seems that even though I know I shouldn't, I dwell too much on the past. It is hard not to, I suppose, when I see the things that life has done to him now, and know that there is nothing I can do to help him through it.
It's never been in my nature to walk away from anyone who needs my help, least of all my brother, but I think now...The things that I could offer him are not the things he needs. Erchi is much better suited to give him comfort. She is simply...not so much less emotional, for I've seen her angry, but a bit more...straightforward perhaps. She can do so much more for him now than I ever could.
It hurts to think that we seem to be drifting apart when I want nothing of the sort. And when I think about this winter and the closeness we shared then, I can't help but want it back, want to bring him the comfort he brought to me then, by the strength of his presence when I needed it most.
I think that Boromir would not want that now, I know how it bothered him to think that everything was reduced to a matter of raging hormones and forbidden incest...For me it was never that, would not be that now, but I've no way to really explain that to him. How I love him beyond the nights of wild passion, beyond the love I bear for anyone or anything else, no matter what my mun or Karimun have to say about my hopeless crushes of the past, my current hopeless crush on Eomer and the love I have for Aragorn...
...Perhaps I love too many and too much, but for me it has never been about the sex. I swear it. It's irritating too, to know that I'm thought of as something of a slut when I would only have the ones I love know that I love them.
I have no idea what to do or where to go from here...Maybe there are some things that just aren't meant for me to interfere in...Though sitting idle may prove to be the worst action of all...
|
|
|
[05 Jun 2004|02:35am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
stressed |
] |
Know what? I quit. Forget waiting to talk to Aragorn, forget trying to work things out. I am BLOODY SICK of working things out.
No matter what I give they always want me to give more. It's not that I don't care what's happening, its that I can't deal with any more right now. At all. Nope. On Strike and fuck the games and plots. I don't care about what happens there any longer and I can't stand being trapped where my best is never good enough and they always want to pile more on me. If anyone wants me for REASONS NOT RELATED TO REMINDING ME THAT I WILL NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH IN THIER EYES, I'm sure you know where to find me. That is all.
|
|
|
[07 May 2004|04:05am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
distressed |
] |
HOW, HOW could be possibly be so STUPID? Earlier this week, we took my cousin into custody in an attempt to get him some help for his problem and to convince him this wasn't the way he wanted to continue. The past three, maybe four, I've lost count at this point, days have been spent watching him go through withdrawl symptoms at an astounding rate.
It's...severe. He's hallucinating, having seizures, the whole bit and tonight we found out that they aren't going to ever completly go away, along with the fact that his muscle control and coordination are never going to be quite the same either.
Oh Elphir, How could you DO this to yourself? I thought that you knew better, that you had half a brain, that you knew you could come to me if you ever had a problem. How could I let it go on for so long? How could I not have realized?
...I only hope it doesn't get any worse than it already has. I'm allowed a small miracle arent I?
|
|
|
[27 Apr 2004|10:21pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
aggravated |
] |
You know, I'm really starting to get sick of this. I do the best that I can and it's never enough to fix anything or make anyone respect me save for a few people. I haven't talked to Boromir in weeks and I'm stuck watching my favorite cousin lose a battle with alcoholism. It seems like I can't do anything right, even when I try my hardest. It all keeps piling up and I wonder sometimes how I ever thought I could handle being Captain General.
And that's just in character. Out of character: Well Gods. I don't even know where to start with that mess.
He acts as if I've done something wrong by being here. He claims that I'm the one getting all the attention when I know that I could die tommorow and if he was in the middle of one of his childish bouts of attention whoring than no one would even notice. Does he notice, I wonder, what it does to her to have to sit there and listen to his whining when he refuses to do anything to fix it or to have help?
I admit that I've done things before that probably weren't for the best and might be called attention whoring, but I never meant to hurt her and I always stopped when it got to this point. He keeps pressing the issue, taking it even to the point where he wants her to choose between the two of us. Does he even realize what it does to her? The fact that she can't even look at the game pages without feeling sick because he starts whining about how everyone likes me better, etc.
I can accept that I'm a bit overbearing at times, and I've tried to turn it down and to wait my turn for her to pay attention to me again, but I'm sick of watching him continue to do this to her. It hurts to see her literally sick because he refuses to learn how to deal with his feelings or at least to hide them, which is what you have to DO sometimes. There is no way that he should even think he can make her choose between us ever. Since when was that an issue?
Even I'm not dumb enough to believe that she'll accept his little ultimatum, but I do know that I'm not about to let him keep hurting her, my brother, or my best friend. If he keeps this up then I swear I'll fight and whatever the consequences are, I'll accept them.
Whatever it takes, I'll make this right.
|
|
| Stolen from Ari |
[22 Mar 2004|03:52pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 embarrassed |
] |
Just to be clear on this, I DID figure in events that happened during the course of White City and out of character events. YOU get to guess which
( “I_Never_Meme” )
Thank the Valar my father and Boromir aren’t here....
|
|
|
[20 Mar 2004|10:13pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 drained |
] |
I made it. Somehow I've managed to get through my first battle as Captain General. Still can't say I understand how it happened, but here I am. A bit bloody, exhausted and sick to my stomach but I live and my city is safe thanks to my Caramel loving king.
Not to say that everything is perfect. There's still the issue of...stuff to deal with. Namely a lot of UST that I don't know how to deal with espescially when I find myself attracted to a married person.
Oh and apparantly my cousin's gotten himself into some sort of trouble and run off to Tirith and wants me to find him a job. Why do I think that the next few days are going to be interesting?
But eh. Worry later. Sleep now. And yes I actually think I can, knock on wood. Until tommorow then.
|
|
|
[18 Mar 2004|02:33pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
loved |
] |
( Verse_Thursday )
Seems appropriate considering the past week. And last night. Valar, what a Night. Things are going along interestingly And deliciously what with The caramel sauce The interesting Strike out lewdnessconversation I had with that certain someone last night. I think that he is really hot and tastes really good and has a great tongue as well likes me as well now, but I'm not entirely sure what we are going to do about it. I'll worry more later I suppose. For the moment I'm just going to enjoy this and forget about the threat of impending death tonight. Somehow, on that front I seem to be okay...
|
|
|
[17 Mar 2004|08:59pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
bored |
] |
The tension while I wait for this battle to happen is killing me. So I took this meme. Enjoy
Stolen From Ramlatch
( “Seven_Deadly_Sins” )
|
|
|
[16 Mar 2004|11:01pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 cynical |
] |
So. In the midst of all of this, I've managed to realize where my heart belongs. Problem is: the puppet I love is taken. Life is so unfair sometimes. And canon needs to go fuck itself. But I'll live. I always do somehow. Love can go fuck itself too, for all the good it's done me. Damned if I don't feel like some starcrossed lover...
I think I need to sleep now. Or coffee. Something to take my mind off it anyway. Mmm yes. Coffee it is.
|
|
|
[15 Mar 2004|09:59pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 working |
] |
Amazing, the things one can do, when they simply force themselves to ignore all else and carry on with events at hand. Since my last post here, several things have happened in the realities I like to inhabit. Somehow, though a strange stroke of fotune that I still am trying to understand, I now find myself Captain General. I scarce believe sometimes that it fell to me, or that in the battle that once again faces my city, that my efforts are of any real use, but still I find that when the moment comes that I must concentrate on all of this, such fear and doubt begins to wash away.
I think perhaps that those who once knew me, would be surprised now, for who could ever have expected this? Am I afraid? Yes, terrified beyond belief, perhaps even more so than in the last battle against darkness for this time, leading the men must fall to me, but am I ready? Somehow I think yes, and in that, I find that for the first in my life, I trust myself and my own judgement and can honnestly believe that others, including my king, might trust it as well.
Progress of a sort, from the softened gentle poet, who first came to have a place within this head two years ago. I know now that I can, and will endure. And somehow that makes all the difference.
|
|
|
[10 Feb 2004|03:18pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 depressed |
] |
....Why do I bother any longer? Can't they see there isn't any point?
|
|
| My Reality |
[21 Jan 2004|11:18am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 contemplative |
] |
A conversation with a new friend the other night regarding the fact that I am a soulbond yet I hang out in various games got me to thinking about the elements of each world and the place that I currently inhabit. I've pondered this for a few days since and while I haven't an exact answer some theories do come to mind.
Though I may refer to my games as realities 1 and 2, I do not think that any of them are, or ever were that for me. The reality in which I spend the majority of my hours is somewhere between Sar's head and the world she lives in. I won't go so far as to say that we share a body...but sharing a brain? It goes without saying that yes we do. For the most part I am content enough here though sometimes things like the events of last week come up to haunt me.
For anyone who did not hear the story, I had a bit of a catatonic episode. There are still things in my life that I don't like to deal with and as a result of trying to block them out things like that tend to happen, but I digress and it is nothing for any of you to worry about now.
The fact still remains that I choose to play in these worlds though they can frustrate me and cause me more pain than I ever knew. Why exactly is this? I think in part that something in me is drawn to them, much in the way that I was first drawn to Sar. As if somehow, by coexisting between these worlds I will be able to pick up the missing pieces of a life that I once knew, of friends and family that I remain in a constant search for.
I will not say that in every case I have been lucky in this goal or that I will ever really suceed but thus far I find myself lucky to have found a few of those pieces. First and foremost there is Boromir who lives within the head of another soulbonder. From the moment we met again, I knew that this was the brother I had lost and I am happy to have him here again.
Then too there are the others, Kari and Sar who I am convinced were part of my life in some odd minor capacity, ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) guide_beregond, and a various few others. I think too that I may have located the Eomer I once knew though more investigation into that is needed until I am certain. Still, it is why I am here and drawn towards them, as if, when I enter a new reality I may be able to uncover one of the people that I lost. And though the search can be long and tiresome, those moments of realization as I look upon an old friend or relation and pull them close into a hug, never to lose them again make everything all worth it and always will...
|
|
|
[20 Jan 2004|01:35am] |
As I am certain that Sar mentioned some of the details of my recent...condition I'll not discuss it here just yet. There are just some things that I must learn to come to terms with in my past before I'm fully able to approach the world again and I'll not bore any of you with unloading it just yet. Soon perhaps if I feel the need... In the meantime I leave you with some quizzes that I took to fill up my time earlier this evening. Enjoy.
And Welcome to my new friends in the soulbonding community as well. I look forward to getting to know a lot of you better.
-Faramir
( Quizzes )
|
|
|
[16 Jan 2004|12:49am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
guilty |
] |
Sometimes I find myself wondering where canon stops and my own reality begins. Perhaps I find myself pulled towards that reality much too often to be of much use to anyone but I know my limits and when to stand firm. There's the issue of love for instance...
The fact of the matter is that the only person I feel that I can ever truly love right now is my brother. In both of my realities I am fortunate to have him alive at the moment and I love him dearly. One such person to whom my heart does not go so easily is Eowyn.
Yes I realize that such a pairing is canon and that both of my realities are based in canon. And yet...I cannot love her in Reality #2, perhaps because I barely know her as a puppet, seeing that her mun has only been playing her for a little over a week. Tonight was to be our wedding, something that our muns had talked about last night. The thing was, I never wanted to be a part of it. When I finally found the courage to speak up and attempt to email other mun my thoughts on the situation...That I don't love Eowyn and can't because I hardly know her...I was emailed back with a reply that our relationship is CANON and therefore we should be deeply in love by now.
But I am not. That is not to say that I don't like Eowyn a great deal and might some day be able to love her, simply that I am not in a posisition to do so at this time. I will not force either of us into a loveless marriage simply for the sake of canon. I could not and will not hurt Eowyn in such a way, but when I tried explaining this to her mun...It didn't go well as I have said earlier and now I think other mun is mad at mine for having this happen. It is my fault I suppose, as I did not feel as if I could stop pretending until last night when my mun and another mun noticed I was feeling horrible and we all had a talk. I should have said something sooner because now I think my mun is in trouble and it isn't her fault at all...
She doesn't blame me and says that she's proud of me for standing up for myself and that I don't have to do anything that would hurt me as she only wants the best for me but I still feel horrible about it. I also don't think that other mun quite understands what's going on and it's really hard to explain to her that I'm not my mun but a seperate entity with thoughts and feelings of my own. Maybe I'm past the point where you can call me a puppet because I know that my mun hasn't even tried to control me for a long time now, but it's very hard to explain to muns who don't have it. Just because you want me to do something doesn't mean I will.
A bit stubborn perhaps? Maybe but in a case like this, I think I have to be. I'm just worried for the people I hurt by this course of action and I don't know what to do now.
Tonight should have been my wedding night, and I'm glad it's not, but where the hell do I go from here?
|
|
| The Begining Of Something....I think. |
[15 Jan 2004|08:18pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
contemplative |
] |
And Here I am, having survived the game that was White City, with a blank journal to boot. What am I to do with this potential space and three whole icons all to myself? If you are like my mun, you would say to leave well enough alone, that this journal could be used later in another game. If you are like my mun, you would unfortuantly be wrong. For though White City may have ended, I still exist in two other gaming realities and have my own special place in Sar's mind and heart. Soulbonds, I am told, will form that.
At any rate, there is still much that I would say regarding my mun, my life and my family in the various realities that I now inhibit and I sometimes find that it isn't in polite company to mention those things among other players of my game, or that I often am unable to express my thoughts to them clearly and that the pen, or keyboard in this case, is the best means of organizing and conveying my thoughts clearly.
So, here we are. A personal journal of my own, a place where I can be unrestricted and free, and hopefully, a place where I can continue to discover myself and my own abilities, as well as make some new friends from various places, including both the mun and the muse world, and perhaps keep up with some friends from my first game WhiteCity.
As we found with the final instalment of the Lord Of The Rings movies, not all good things come to an end, and so neither will I. Rather I look to this as a new step, a new begining...
Welcome to the madcap, crazy and oftentimes angsty ride that is my life. Hold on tight and secure any and all loose items and small children, there may be some slight turbulance along the way, but don't worry...we'll all get there in the end.
-Faramir
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
|
|
|
|
